[Le passé] Understanding Attraction

She never really understood why she was attracted to him in the first place. He didn't have that special something she shared with her previous boyfriends, but somehow she accepted his invitation for a night out anyway. Why? She didn't know, she wished she didn't say yes.

She was too quick to act, too quick to decide, and too quick to say yes. The days spent with him were a mere blur, nothing interested ever came to their relationship. The end was quick and seemed so long at the same time. She knew the ending would be fast and worst of all she knew where he was heading next. Another heart.

Feeling more mature, she felt she did the right thing and still do. Not all love stories have happy ending. Some just trailled off without reasons, some ended abruptly without a warning and some just slipped off without even realising. All these realizations came through her head like roundabouts of jumbled words. She needed to sit down.

Undestanding attraction to the grown up girl is still a mystery. She could never understand why this love story in particular even started in the first place. But it didn't matter, all she needed to know was it could happen and she won't let history repeat itself.

[Le passé] The Wrong Handsome Guy

The start of the school year only meant one thing, a new class filled with new friends and hopefully some old friends too. She smiled and jumped excitedly when they announced that she was going to be in the same class as her best friend. Lucky girl.
This year is going to be awesome. Plans ran quickly through her thoughts and some were shared with her best friend. They smiled.

The racketing noise inside her class could be heard from the corridor. She entered her new class pretty confidently. She was no longer the new kid and most kids in her year knew who she was. She wasn't popular but pretty well-known. Greetings from new friends came soon after she sat down. Her new friends scattered to their places as soon as the teacher came in. The teacher's voice was a distant blur as she observed her new crowd. One guy caught her attention, he saw her, she quickly turned elsewhere. A quick teenager tactic for not getting caught staring at a cute guy.

The guy was witty and funny. He was just plain handsome, any girl in their right mind would see that and it was the reason why a dozen girl was lining up wanting to be with him. She, however, had the privilege to be his best friend, what an honour, right? Calls after calls, talks after talks, she realized something in her tummy. Were they butterflies? No it can't be.

When the calls and talks stopped, she knew it was mainly her fault. She was never good at expressing her feelings, she chose to distract herself instead. This time the distraction came from his friend, another beauty, a more mysterious beauty. Maybe that was why she instantly felt the attraction, he was the perfect distraction.

The distraction was not a distraction after all. It turned to be a long term distraction, one she discovered to be her first experience of love. The wrong handsome guy took her from the guy she truly cared, but to some extend she didn't mind. The one that got away, another star lesson put into the knowledge bag. The bag keeps getting heavier.

[Le passé] High School Dream

Him. Yes he, was incredibly charming. Well, at least for a new 14-year-old transferred girl.

"Hey," he greeted with that high confidence.

"Hey," the girl replied shyly.

And that was how all it started.

The school was new for the girl, so different from her previous all-girls-school which she only lasted less than 3 months. She liked her new class, her new friends, although they were a little boisterous, she didn't mind.
Matches my personality. She thought to herself.

The dark-haired boy stood out the most. He excelled in English, although not so much in other subjects, and was blaring with confidence topped with his sweet-mouthed words. Maybe, that was why she was so curious of him.

Of course then, she had no friends to tell her what a big playboy he was at the school. She had no idea that behind the sweet mouth lays a big jerk who treats girl with no respect. She had no idea, that was why she innocently and slowly fell into his trap. That sweet trap filled with his playful words. She had a weakness for words.

After a few months, she proudly presented him as my boy, my guy, my man...or whatever. Just in the first week of their supposedly happiest week, she found him guilty as charged. Her new friends finally revealed his "open secrets", which she whisked ignorantly, assuring herself that they were just jealous. But her self-assurance faded as she saw him in his real self one day.

And what she saw was a boy with no self-respect stood in a puddle of lies. She slowly moved away from him, thanking the God above it wasn't love. Because if it was, it would've hurt like hell.

Time to time, she regretted knowing him. Now, she knows there is no need for regret, it was a precious lesson. A lesson she will never repeat, but is kept in her bag of knowledge.

Love Dances at the Tip of Your Fingertips

Valentine's Day comes, and I just have to make a blog post about it.
No I am not a hater, nor am I a lover of this day. Perhaps this post does not even describe love in a way that it should be in this what is believed and ritualized as the most romantic day of the year.

And when it comes to love, people may express it with roses, chocolates, and shocking pink goodies. To me, love has always been and will always be at the tip of my fingers. It is with a piano that I can relate love to.

I am not a great player, but I am a great listener. I love listening to the piano. The music produced by it, sounds magical, even when only one piano is played, it can fill a whole room with so much emotion. This clip below expresses so much sadness, a longing to bring someone from far away back home. A calling from home, asking - begging, for that someone to come home.



And another one of my favourite. This one below pulls you through a world where love is possible, where nothing in the world means nothing without you. I can imagine so much colour, speed and thousands of light - all moving simultaneously creating a beautiful spectrum.



And when I play the piano (I only play personally :P), when I touch the black and white keys, I feel home. While my hands dance through it, I feel like I can fall in love again and again. I feel amazed every time I play or listen to the piano, it soothes my exploding soul. For a while I can even think clearly about everything.

And how amazing it would be, to experience a love like this.

Near or Far

My absolute favourite song at the moment is Near or Far by Carissa Rae.

Which is actually funny, because I'm not in a relationship right now, let alone a long distance one.

Strong is what we are whenever we’re apart
I’ll be right where you are, I’m in your heart

I am a pessimist in long distance too, but the words to this song actually make LDR so easy.

So don’t worry about a thing, or all the miles in between

When actually it's hard and tough and needs a lot of effort.

I hear them say
That what we have may fade away but I refuse

I wonder, when you've found the so-called "the one", it will become easier?

Understand you make mistake
But love won’t stop, it has no breaks

Or maybe not? Either way, I rather not have it.

You have my heart, you had it from the start

But the point is, this song is way too cute and worth sharing. I salut those who can survive an LDR, so this one is for you guys!

I love you from afar..

Ujian dan Musim Dingin

Musim dingin, yang gw harapin adalah salju tentunya, di Eropa gitu loh. Tapi ternyata Nantes punya jalan pikir sendiri, pingin beda sendiri (atau paling ga menurut gw beda), pingin maunya sendiri. Musim dingin kok "panas", bukan, bukan panas ala Indonesia tentunya, panas ala musim dingin Eropa. Temperatur masih sekitar 8-11 derajat, kacau! Setelah liburan dari Austria dan Switzerland yang udaranya "winter banget", masuk ke Nantes lagi berasa di negara tropis, kata temen lebay gw. Asik bukan?

Bukan.

Musim dingin ini bukan cuma cuacanya doank yang panas, otak gw juga dibikin panas ama ujian yang di akhir bulan ini. Hari-hari di Januari cuma diisi ama bengong di dalem kamar sambil liat-liat powerpoint, yang ngomong-ngomong gw masih bingung sampe detik ini, dan juga bikin tugas yang bejibun ampe ga keliatan ujungnya.

Musim dingin juga bikin gw pingin pulang. Kalo gw masih kerja di Jakarta, kayaknya udah pulang Jogja paling ga dua kali, apalagi pas Natal kemarin. Pasti lemak dari makan masakan mama yang luar biasa uda mulai menimbun dan sekarang di kantor udah mulai ribut untuk nge-gym tapi alhasil malah lembur makan junk food. Ah! Kangen sangat ama suasana kantor.Tapi faktanya gw udah hampir 5 bulan ga pulang. What?! Baru 5 L.I.M.A bulan?! Kok berasa udah kayak 5 tahun ya, eh lebay, 1 tahun ya? Hari-hari di Eropa emang lebih lama gitu?

Aneh ya?!

Kalo lagi kuliah begini, rasanya pingin nyari duit. Kalo lagi nyari duit, pinginnya nyari ilmu. Emang bener kata orang, manusia ga akan pernah puas. Dasar, manusia!

Soulmate for Everyone (?)

The pessimistic side of mine sometimes take a peek of love. The lyrics to this song describes its observation this time.

incompatible, it don't matter though

'cause someone's bound to hear my cry

speak out if you do, you're not easy to find

is it possible mr. loveable is already in my life?

right in front of me or maybe you're in disguise

who doesn't long for someone to hold

who knows how to love you without being told

somebody to tell me why i'm on my own

if there's a soulmate for everyone

here we are again, circles never end

how do i find the perfect fit?

there's enough for everyone

but i'm still waiting in line

who doesn't long for someone to hold

who knows how to love you without being told

somebody to tell me why i'm on my own

if there's a soulmate for everyone

if there's a soulmate for everyone

most relationships seem so transitory

they're all good but not the permanent one

who doesn't long for someone to hold

who knows how to love you without being told

somebody to tell me why i'm on my own

if there's a soulmate for everyone

Natasha Beddingfield - Soulmate

This autumn weather does not fail in making me feeling gloomy. While eyeing people in love, the coldness of this weather strikes me even more. But let this pessimistic be a temporary one, for I shall one day see the optimistic rising from another side of me. I still would like to believe that there is a soulmate reserved for each and everyone of us, and that at the end it will not be a transitory one.

A Birthday Post

When you are in an estranged country, birthday is one of those moments which will make you extremely homesick.

Started the day by a skype call with my parents, cried of course, I just wanted them to pull me and somehow be inside my lovely warm house, eating mum's food for my birthday. That didn't happen of course.

But I may just be the world's most lucky 24-years-old in the world. My friends, got up at 10 AM, as they told me, to buy a birthday cake for me!

It was delivered at around 6 PM, after I "ruined" their surprised by coming to one of my friend's room when I was supposedly to be in mine.

the birthday cake

Went out for a nice Vietnamese meal. It was a simple yet charming birthday. The sky was clear, which has never happened, as long as I can remember it's always raining in my birthday. The twinkling stars accompanied us as we walked back to our residence.

Though I did not see a falling star, I made a wish anyway.

to the greatest friends

A Moment of Contemplation

Officially, I am 24 today, well at least in the other half of the world.

Here, not yet.

Not quite ready to be a year older, but with time, there is no compromise.

24 years, this life of mine has been quite a roller-coaster one. Turned upside down with love, twirled with decisions, slowed down by friendships, speed up with madness, led down with disappointments but mostly engaged with laughter.

But in my birthday, sometimes I like to contemplate. What has happened in the previous year, and what could be made better, what could be removed, what should be repeated, what shouldn't be repeated. And once you get the answers, you wish for a better year.

What could be made better: my effort

What could be removed: my complaining

What should be repeated: love

What shouldn't be repeated: bad practice of love, disappointments, high expectations on people

then here I go...

I wish for a good year, may the over-flowing love continue, may the laughter and joy be added, may the madness and craziness balances the dullness that I may encounter, and maybe if I'm lucky enough may love comes, in any form, in an unexpected way. Amen.

Invisible

Skype

GTalk

Yahoo Messenger

Facebook Chat

MSN Messenger

All the social chats we have. I have them, obviously. And how nice it is to be able to chat with your friends over those fancy communication systems. I love them, since I have friends and family living thousands of miles away.

As you know, you can set many status, like Available, Busy, Away and weirdly enough Invisible. Why in the world would we want to stay Invisible when we can just log out? Simple. Sometimes staying invisible is cool, you're there but not really there, people don't know your existence but you can observe people. You know when they come and go.

Who wouldn't want to set their lives into Invisible every once in a while? Where we can just be there without anyone noticing us, and get this, we can observe other people without them noticing us. Cool huh?

Can I Skip November?

Woaaaa November already! Raise your hands if you think time flies *me me me me!!*

I'm starting to believe that time REALLY flies. I mean it's like November already. Sweet November only reminds me of my birthday, which usually makes me super excited. Always a celebration, mum's food, friends by my side, family around me, what a lovely way to spend my turning of age and to face the fact live screams at you saying "HAH! you're a year older! grow up!!"

This November, however, is different. It will be a day where I spend my birthday without the family and friends I'm used to. I'm gonna miss my mum's food or the way my family gather together like we do during birthdays.

So if time does fly, can we just fly over this birthday? So I don't have to be sad and miss everything?

Unsure

How do you keep yourself from falling into the same hole?

How do you keep yourself from damaging your heart?

How do you keep yourself safe?

How can you read the signs?

How can you avoid the turbulences?

So many questions, but no answer. I wonder if there is ever any solutions.

Like the little things in life, it remains unsolved. Though I sometimes prefer to be silence now. Truth be told, sometimes, for me anyway, it is better to let things hidden than be shown which will only unravel pain and scar.

Nomad

A nomad, a wanderer, no fixed residence. I think myself as this. Let me show you.

Born in Yogyakarta:

Lived there for 2 years (I think). Then moved to Salatiga:

Had a great childhood for 8 years in this small yet lively town. Then more exciting move to Sheffield:

Went to what I remembered as a fuzzy school, for only 2 months, I remember leaving the school without having any real friends. Lived in a shared flat near a Chinese restaurant. Then moved to Leeds:

...for 4.5 years, had a really great teenage life there. Met many wonderful friends, of which I'm still friends with now. Went to a great high school and a wonderful church. Theeennn it was back to here:

where I spent my senior high school and university, so like 7 years. Love the city with it's authenticity. I especially loved my uni life where I met my best friends. I think my parents have decided to stop their "nomadicness" (yes I invented the word) and built a house near a rice field in this city. And no, I didn't settle for this city. Went to the big mama city, Jakarta, to find money:

for about 2.5 years. There I moved 3 times, from one flat to another. Worked in a great company with great friends. Now living in Nantes:

for 1 year (I think, still many months to go). Next destination to live in? Here:

And so being a nomadic is not all fun. I sometimes get confused when people ask me where I'm from, I usually answer Yogyakarta because that's my birth town, but I don't really feel settled there. On the other side, it's also very fun. I learn to adapt fast in a new environment. And my definition of home is neither a town nor a country, it's simply my family.

When Dream Comes True

I remember a year ago, sitting in my office, counting my bank balance, checking AirAsia website for a ticket to Paris. If not mistaken, about a year ago AirAsia introduced a new route, KL - Paris. I was so excited. Counting my monthly wage and seeing if it was enough for a trip to Paris. But then I knew that it would be quite sometimes before I could set foot in this city of love again.

Tomorrow, I'm going to Paris. It seems so weird, to be only 2 hours away from Paris. After 9 years of vivid memories of Paris, I will once again explore the city.

Maybe dreams and wishes do come true, even if it takes time and in the most unexpected way.

Beauty Overcoming the Bad

As seen from my previous posts, I have been dealing with assignments, deadlines, foreign language, confusion, toothache, homesick. But come to think of it, it is the beauty of life. What is life without all these complicated "mambo jambos"?

Not the world's best photographer, neither am I a fanatic photographer, but I did some pretty good shots during the last days of Summer here. So enjoy the beauty, as sometimes, when you look closely it will somehow eliminate the bad.

Menangis

Nangis? Spesialisasi gw. Nonton film yang sedihnya "biasa-biasa" aja bisa nangis, apalagi nonton Hachiko yang sedih setengah mati, nangisnya ga brenti-brenti. Ya nangis, udah jadi kebiasaan gw. Saat mau brangkat ke Prancis, gw nangis. Sedih banget ninggalin temen-temen, terutama saat say goodbye ke keluarga, berasa air mata ga ada abis-abisnya *lebay* tapi entah kenapa saat masuk ruang tunggu air mata gw hilang.

Saat sampe di Lyon hari pertama, langsung online di Skype ama bonyok. Air mata gw ngalir, berasa banget uda sendirian di negeri orang. Saat itu puncak kelebay-an gw lagi tinggi dan kangen semua hal yang berbau indo. Liat bonyok ama adik di Skype langsung nangis tersedu-sedu. Tapi cuma hari pertama doank. Hmm..lumayan kalo dibandingin saat pindah ke Jakarta, nangisnya ga abis-abis tiap malem.

Di Nantes, baru sekali nangis, tapi ga heboh-heboh amat. Cuma tersedu sesaat *halah* trus langsung bisa berhenti. Jadi total di Prancis baru nangis dua kali, bangga banget yah gw ama diri sendiri :P hebat kan!

Tapi...saat ini gw lagi pingin banget pulang. Kalo lagi pusing gini, biasanya mama gw selalu punya cara menenangkan gw. Sekarang harus nunggu jam yang tepat untuk bisa ngobrol ke mama lewat Skype. Mau ngobrol sama siapa pun di belahan dunia yang berbeda musti nunggu waktu yang pas. Pas online udah keburu ilang rasa pusingnya, adanya cuma rasa menggebu-gebu pingin nyeritain pengalaman hari ini.

Hmm..pantes aja yah gw lagi sedih dan galau ga bisa menitikkan air mata. Aneh banget buat gw, soalnya gw cengeng banget. Tapi kali ini gw ga nangis, bahkan mau dinangis-nangisin juga ga bisa kluar air matanya. Is this a sign of maturity? Or merely a sign of loneliness?

What to do

What to do when all things seem to go wrong. Yesterday, I was telling you about my Toothache and Homesick, well today was supposed to be that relaxing day of me laying in Pornic beach. I was looking forward to it. So that's what my friends and I did this morning, we took a tram to the bus station and was ecstatic to see the bus. And to our disappointment, there was a long queue and the bus could not take more than 45 people, that's what I understood anyway (I've a lame French). And yes, we didn't get inside the bus. So we thought "hey, let's go to the train station for some cheap tickets", and well 42euro for 4 people was not exactly the cheap that I had in mind. We decided to ditch this beach trip.

We took our "beach picnic" food to a park near our residence. I feel very annoyed and missing home terribly. Well, at least it was a good view from the park. Some people doing some rowing, which looks fun.

...and we enjoyed the salad made by my friend Dominik, he calls it his Polish-African salad.
And by the way I'm sick and tired of this sun, it is constantly reminding me of Indonesia. Just be cold already!

Toothache and Homesick

Almost a month that I have been here in France. I am starting to feel really really homesick, especially when I go shopping. In Jakarta I always had my best mates with me choosing this and that at the shopping centre, asking them which one suits me better or them begging me to buy a new jacket. And eating out together, buying my "Quickly" drink or simply sit at a coffee shop and talk for hours. Then we would wait another hour for a taxi and another hour for the traffic jam while we take Christa to her house and then back to the flat. Oh! How I miss those days!


Then back at home I would always have my mum and my sister with me...I miss them both as they're always fighting about my "taste" lol. They're always cooking me all this delicious stuff and I can't have that here, the kitchen is miles away from my room and it's always bread for everything. Excuse my complaints.

And well, homesick is not the only thing I'm dealing. Apart from the "interesting" courses, I have this stupid toothache at the back of my mouth, which I should've done the operation while I was still in Jakarta. I hate going to the dentist.

Oh, sorry for this batch of post, I really don't usually do this kind of post :S I'm trying to figure out a way to bring a bit of the atmosphere back home into my 9 squared metre room (in a very noisy building where people like to skype with their dog while shouting and singing loudly in the middle of the night.....just saying)

But on the other hand, Nantes has been very good to me, not adding my pain of homesick and toothache. It has been sunny for the past 2 weeks, a trip to the sea this weekend (hopefully) will cure everything.